Your Guide to Looking Busy at Work By transient0 in Technology Tue Aug 05, 2003 at 08:19:07 PM EST Tags: Culture (all tags)
	The computer has irreversibly changed the workplace. E-mail has replaced memos, Winamp has replaced the portable FM radio and stupid Far Side desktop wallpapers have replaced stupid Far Side wall calendars. With all these changes, we often overlook the single greatest boon that computers have brough to the employed masses: the ability to look busy.

If you're slacking off on the factory floor, everyone knows it. Someone says, "Hey! why are all these widgets missing their gromets?" Someone else says, "Gromets are Bill's job." Then the boss comes over and finds you doing crosswords next to the assembly line. You're fired. In today's office things are different. The computer is a powerful tool for work but, as a universal Turing machine, it can't help but also be a powerful tool for play. The problem lies in that employers have long ago realized that given the choice between doing work, looking at on-line pr0n or playing Quake, few employees will choose work. We now live in a world of hyper-strict firewalls, regular scanning of employee files and thrice hourly PHB walk-bys. What is a dedicated time-waster to do? Admittedly, I may be preaching to the choir. Many K5ers already have a well-maintained schedule of surfing this site(self-referential link omitted), that other site and maybe that other other one. Still, web surfing gets old and there is always room for a few new tricks, right? Multi-Tasking Before we even begin delving into the myriad ways to fritter away your work time, a moment must be taken to address the proper mindset of the slacker. The first thing to do is to ensure that you are always working on at least two projects. This allows you to, whenever someone mentions that you don't seem to have made much progress on project A, explain just how complicated and time-consuming project B is. Also, remember that, ever since the early nineties, multi-tasking has been a much sought after talent. Don't be afraid of being seen with a few dozen windows open on your desktop, no buzzword-knowledgable manager will think 'easily distracted' when they could just as easily think 'multi-tasker'. Also be prepared to retaliate with other appropriate jargon if necessary. If you are ever caught playing Tetris in the middle of the afternoon, don't try to pretend you were doing something else. Instead, simply say that you were taking a micro-break to increase your efficiency. If the situation looks particularly bleak, consider also mentioning synergy. Tricking the Ol' Firewall We all know that the simplest way to make time fly by is cruising through the triple-W. But what to do when your boss (or more specifically, the bitter and sadistic IT worker that reports to your boss) constantly monitors your network traffic for signs of slacking? One option is to use an anonymizing web proxy. However, clever net-traffic cops have memorized lengthy lists of proxy names and IPs and will quickly recognize the usage pattern of new ones. One way to use a proxy of sorts without getting spotted is to make use of a site that the people watching your traffic know is a legit place to browse. Yes, I mean Google. Few workplaces would suggest that employees should not be allowed to use a search engine. Fortunately, Google is more than a search engine, it is also an archive of practically the entire web. Run a Google search for whatever you are looking for but then, rather than clicking on the link itself, click on the grey 'cached' link after the URL. Now you can read whatever you want and all of your traffic will register as originating at Google (be sure to disable images and flash objects, as these items will still be requested from the appropriate server). Another simple trick for getting your fill of the web without tipping off the people paid to spy on you is to log on for ten minutes when you first get to work, visit all the sites that you like to read and save copies of all the articles locally. To the traffic cop it will look like you just did a quick browse through of a few sites while drinking your morning coffee, but in reality you have netted yourself hours worth of perfect time-wasting material to read at your leisure. Repeat at lunch hour if necessary and remember to clean up after yourself so that the IT people don't notice the files and catch on (alternately you can save them as things like project-report-A.html). Multiple Desktops In certain circles, this is the oldest trick in the book. You sit at your desk playing Freecell, ready at a moment's notice to hit ALT+TAB or ALT+F4 if you see your boss coming. If you use ALT+TAB, however, you risk the possibility that the new window to get switched up won't completely cover your game and even if it does, savvy office patrollers know to scan the taskbar for rogue programs. If you up the arms race with ALT+F4 you irrevocably lose your game every time someone walks by. Unacceptable. Using GNOME or KDE, you can easily set up multiple desktops. With this tool, your slacking power has received an intantaneous exponential upgrade. You are sitting at your desk, you have a window open to an on-line go game, a browser sitting at the K5 modsub page and Xine silently playing subtitled Cowboy Bebop episodes in the corner. Out of the corner of your eye you catch the briefest flash of cornflower blue... ALT+F1. Half a second later, when the boss leans into your cubicle, you have a word processor occupying half your screen, your corporate e-mail client occupying the other half and no tell-tales on the task-bar to rat you out. The moment he wanders off, ALT+F2, and you're back to your game before Spike has even finished pumping the wrong guy full of bullets. For those of you who have no choice but to run MS-Windows at work there exists at least one relatively invisible and completely free utility to bring multiple desktops to your world. The Mighty Text Browser Perhaps you think that you are far too smart to accidentally click a goatse link or something else obnoxious and immediate-dismissal worthy, but we've all been caught off guard by a relatively benign looking URL at least once. Not only that, but astute managers have learned to recognize the tell-tale green glow of a browser at Slashdot from at least half a cube farm away. Enter the text browser. With this tool at your disposal, you can follow links with reckless abandon. Porn pop-ups (all pop-ups in fact) will also become a distant memory. Also, it is a proven fact that when managers see text they assume you are working; when they see images they assume you are slacking. Which brings us to our next tip... Text-Based Diversions What says hard-at-work better than a screen full of text and a rapidly click-clacking keyboard? There are more ways than you could possibly imagine to waste time in windows that are practically indistinguishable from the windows you would have open if you were actually working. Try your hand at simulated drug pushing with Dope Wars, pick up a healthy MUD/MOO habit, try out a text-based IRC or ICQ client or even read a book. Of course, the only thing better than wasting time in programs that look like office apps is wasting time right in the office apps themselves. Why not try playing Tetris in Microsoft Excel or better yet, write some cool software, a few haiku or an article for some on-line community site. Legal Concerns If you do allow yourself to be productive while slacking, be careful. The dangers of time-repurposing can actually be much graver than those of outright time-wasting. Under no circumstances should you contribute to an Open Source project on company time without permission. If you ever get caught, you could find that you have dragged the other contributors into an unpleasant IP battle they don't deserve. If you write poems or compose classical music between TPS reports, things aren't quite so bad so long as you acknowledge the danger of your opus becoming the new company jingle. Perhaps the single biggest danger of time-repurposing arises if you make money. Be aware that if you get paid by an outside source for anything you do on company time (whether writing a novel or designing a web-site) you not only risk losing the rights to your creation and any profit that stems from it, but you may also find yourself facing criminal charges. Still, these more productive types of pursuits can be by far the most rewarding form of slacking, simply proceed with care. After all, where would the world be if Einstein had spent all those hours actually reading patent applications rather than dreaming about the basic structure of the universe?

Poll

Favorite Time Waster slashdot/k5/fark 46% freecell/tetris/solitaire 1% e-mail 5% quake/unreal/warcraft 1% irc/icg/msn/aim 11% looking at porn 5% time-repurposing 9% i actually do my job, you slackers 16% Votes: 167 Results | Other Polls

Related Links

Slashdot Google Winamp Far Side pr0n Quake that other site that other other one anonymizin g web proxy Google [2] relatively invisible and completely free utility goatse relatively benign looking URL text browser Dope Wars MUD/MOO IRC ICQ read a book playing Tetris in Microsoft Excel Also by transient0