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The best stories of the day, chosen by you.
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Who Are Your Lifelines?
By TaxiCabJesus in Culture
Wed Jan 28, 2015 at 01:46:18 PM EST
Tags: Superbowl XLIX, Arizona, Maricopa County, Joe Arpaio, Phoenix Open, Spring Training (all tags)
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A Cautionary Tale
One night I woke around 2:30am, slightly disoriented. I was sitting on the couch, the TV was on. After a moment I remembered having started watching a movie.
Then my phone rang. The recorded message announced that somebody was calling from the Sheriff of Maricopa's Center for Pre-Trial Cruelty. The computer played the inmate's recorded name - it was my imaginary passenger, the one I told you all about before. We had one minute to speak, then the recorded voice would offer to take my credit card number to pay phone-ransom.
The bail was only $300 - he asked me to get him out. The minute ran out, and I was not inclined to pay for more time. I figured he was probably better off in the Arpaio Gulag than on the street. A bondswoman called the next day, as a courtesy call on the prisoner's behalf, and provided more information about the bail process. Bailing out that passenger was not high on my list of things I wanted to do.
But I did go to visit, a few days later.
Poll: How many lifelines can you recite from memory?
Full Story (18 comments, 1704 words in story)
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Life After the Software Problem
By HackerCracker in Meta
Fri Dec 26, 2014 at 01:27:43 AM EST
Tags: g4c, horsecock, YFI, FOAD, DIAF, no U, software, problem, failure (all tags)
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The date is July 15th, 2025. It is the exact 10th anniversary of Michael David Crawford solving the software problem.
Location:
Crawfordville. In Crawford County.
On the top floor of the Crawford International Headquarters.
"Ignorant motherfuckers!" Supreme World Overlord Michael David Crawford breathed angrily.
Full Story (19 comments, 1665 words in story)
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Jerry Jeff Walker 'LET OUR MIKE GO'
By sye in Meta
Wed Apr 02, 2014 at 10:33:20 PM EST
Tags: sye, matrix (all tags)
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I knew a man Mike Crawford and he'd code for you on a worn-out Mac
Had a bag with old tech books a towel and, and an old iPad
He'd code so hard, code so hard, so no bug would get away
Mr. Mike Crawford, Mr. Mike Crawford, code.
I met him in a cell in Portland Oregon, I was Occupied
He looked to be the face of aged geekiness as he pointed out
There was so much bad code, so much bad code, and so seldom it was fixed
Mr. Mike Crawford, Mr. Mike Crawford, code.
He spoke of life and frogs and ignorant motherfuckers all which vexed him so
And geometric visions of some lost domain which he'd SEO'd, it had been so cool
He let go a sigh, he let go a sigh, and then sadly shook his head
Mr. Mike Crawford, Mr. Mike Crawford, code, yeah code.
He coded for the startups and the Fortune boys throughout the West
He spoke with rage of borkers who had fixed the stage, and jobs were scarce
Because nobody cared, nobody really cared, whether the damn code worked or not
Mr. Mike Crawford, Mr. Mike Crawford, code.
He said, "I code at coffee shops with free wifi, for free half-and-half.
But lots of the time I spend behind these bars because I rage a bit."
He took his meds, yes he took his meds, I heard a phone call ask please
Mr. Mike Crawford, Mr. Mike Crawford, code, code, Mr. Mike Crawford, please code.
Full Story (22 comments, 267 words in story)
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Today in Kuro5hin
By nostalgiphile in MLP
Fri Mar 28, 2014 at 07:24:03 PM EST
Tags: MLP, rusty, media, open tab (all tags)
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This is amazing: I had no idea that our Benevolent Founder was the Monarch of Malinformation and maintained such an awesome media presence on the webs. There it is in the interview: CAPITAL: You run the very popular Today in Tabs daily newsletter, a sort of anti-digest of the day's various hate-reads. While of course informative and enlightening, its knowing/slapdash/snarky voice is a lot of its appeal. How did you come to find your Today in Tabs voice?
FOSTER: OK, first of all Tabs is just now creeping up on 3,000 subscribers, so it's far less popular than people imagine. It's just ubiquitous within a small pool of media people. I occasionally see it lumped in with much bigger more established newsletters and it feels weird when I know how small my list is.
In other words, this new site has about 2990 more regular users than Kuro5hin.org. What's more, I was not invited ☹ , albeit I'm not very Media People. But really, we are a bit confused by the total disconnect (not a single blurb!) between Today in Tabs and your 'gated dysfunctional community' here. Rusty, why hath thou forsaken us?
Full Story (25 comments, 304 words in story)
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Solution to the Borker Problem
By Del Griffith in Fiction
Fri Mar 07, 2014 at 11:43:31 AM EST
Tags: etc, sofware problem, solving the software problem, warplife, lol (all tags)
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As you may know when I'm not manic, I work tirelessly to grandiose goals with no hope of fulfilling them. Why just the other day while I was furriously masterbating at the #SALMONCREEK #STARBUCKS mens room, I temporarly lost vision as I came, and saw a vision.
It was G-d all mighty himself, and he commanded me to take care of the Borker* problem.
*by borker, I mean broker, but I can't bring myself to call them by their actual names.
Full Story (10 comments, 521 words in story)
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Why Yanks Cannot Understand Chef Rights
By procrasti in Culture
Sat May 11, 2013 at 04:01:39 AM EST
Tags: pressure cookers, chef's rights, second condiment, soufflé, burger king, boston (all tags)
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It is difficult for American obese to comprehend why British gourmands might consider the right to bear pressure cookers to be a natural right.
The problem derives from the fundamental differences in their respective culinary theories. This affects their tastes, which are conditioned on eating within the framework of one of the two competing menus.
American obese are not gourmands. In American cooking, the individual does not derive their nutrition from being a chef, rather they derive their nutrition due to the grace of McDonalds who acts through the will of the reigning franchise. Americans are conditioned to believe that they are the consumers of the Big Mac, not their own chefs. If McDonalds decides that a person's value meal has no nutrition, then that is all the Big GulpTM, because their's is not to season wise, but their's is to order fries, and a side order of Burger King!
British gourmands on the other hand fought a long, hot and sweaty battle with the kitchen against this very repression and formed a new menu on the basis that the menu derives its nutrition from the edible. That the nutrition belongs to the vegetables, not the salt content. Hence the idea that the vegetable is a member of the meal, not its dressing.
Full Story (27 comments, 409 words in story)
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Back to Rubik's Cube
By Blarney in Culture
Thu Feb 21, 2013 at 01:13:05 PM EST
Tags: culture, Rubiks Cube, no ogg, no frog, all out of cookies too (all tags)
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Like many of us, I learned how to solve Rubik's Cube back in the 80s, using an easy solution guide, and got to the point of being able to do it in 3-4 minutes. With effort, I was able to struggle through the 4x4 Revenge, though giving up and restarting frequently due to flipped edges that I didn't know how to correct. A few years ago, I bought a 5x5 during a work trip and got through the published solution a few times before the stickers fell off. Picked up the old 3x3 again, and now I'm averaging 75 seconds and dreaming of under 60. Amazing how things change and how things stay the same, and what gets missed the first time around.
Full Story (23 comments, 1788 words in story)
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Thursday, October 18th
 Humanity's Second-Best Hope (31 comments)
Sunday, April 29th
The Cookie Problem: A Mathematical Satire (28 comments)
Saturday, March 3rd
Sandra Fluke Is A Fucking Slut (122 comments)
Sunday, February 26th
The Rock Star as Charismatic CEO - OK Go's "Needing/Getting" Video (25 comments)
Friday, February 24th
Crawford's calling, and he's calling you gay. (46 comments)
Sunday, February 19th
Living with Schizoasshole Disorder (18 comments)
Tuesday, February 7th
Start Menu: Better Structure (36 comments)
Tuesday, January 31st
4A 01-23-2012 LETTER Letter F/defendant To Court (41 comments)
What the Clark County, WA courts should know about K5. (21 comments)
Thursday, January 12th
Jetset Psychopath Pleads Guilty (15 comments)
Monday, January 9th
Fuck the Fat Acceptance Movement (27 comments)
Sunday, January 1st
K5 Images of the Year (2011) (20 comments)
Friday, December 30th
I support SOPA (29 comments)
Tuesday, November 8th
A Brief History of the ASCII Penis (37 comments)
Thursday, November 3rd
Warning: Beware of Sex with Eric S. Raymond (22 comments)
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